


In Other Words, Hold My Hand

by romantichopelessly



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Aromantic, Asexual Character, Asexuality, Brothers, Disney, Feelings, Fluff and Angst, Lady and the Tramp (1955) References, Light Angst, M/M, Mistaken for Being in a Relationship, Other, Queerplatonic Relationships, Warm and Fuzzy Feelings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-19
Updated: 2019-12-19
Packaged: 2021-02-25 23:01:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,016
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21863401
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/romantichopelessly/pseuds/romantichopelessly
Summary: Virgil has always loved Disney films. The magic of talking animals and princesses fascinated him as a child. His older brother always told him that when he was older he would understand why his favorite characters were always falling in love. He didn't really get it until he met Logan Berry. Even then he wasn't sure that he got it.
Relationships: Anxiety | Virgil Sanders & Logic | Logan Sanders
Comments: 7
Kudos: 90
Collections: Sanders Sides Secret Santa 2019





	In Other Words, Hold My Hand

Virgil stared, eyes wide with fascination as he watched Lady and the Tramp fall in love for what had to be the 100th time. Patton had gotten the choice of movie that afternoon, but Virgil didn’t mind too much. The animated dogs were undeniably cute, and Patton always let him have more of the Goldfish crackers when he got to choose. Behind him, Virgil could hear his older brother humming along to _Bella Notte_.

“Isn’t it so romantic?” Patton asked, his voice dreamy as the song faded out.

Virgil blinked. Tearing his eyes from where the two dogs onscreen were now waking up with the rising sun, Virgil tilted his head in confusion. “Yeah, I guess so.”

Patton pouted, noticing just how unenthusiastic Virgil was about the wonder that was Lady and the Tramp’s pure love. Did he not see the eyes that the Tramp was sending the adorable prim Lady? “You’ll understand when you’re older.” Patton decided, hugging his plush Mickey Mouse closer.

Something about the statement rubbed Virgil in the wrong way, but he brushed it off. Perhaps he would understand when he was older. It wasn’t like something that was such a big part of so many Disney movies like this Over-The-Top-Love-At-First-Meeting Romance was could possibly be bad. He’d definitely get why the Tramp looked at Lady like that eventually. For now, he just wanted to hurry up and get to the part where the rat tried to attack the baby.

\----

Virgil held that belief all the way until he reached college.

The belief that he would eventually “understand” the lovey-dovey parts of his favorite movies, not the belief that dogs attacking rats were cool.

In high school, Virgil told himself that he deterred all romantic advances because of his anxiety. Or because he wanted to focus on school. Or even just because none of the girls or guys in his grade were all that interesting.

There was always some reason or another to put it off. This ambiguous ‘understanding’ hadn’t really hit, but that was normal, wasn’t it? Forget the fact that Patton had been all of nine years old when he had first said that. Virgil just wasn’t… interested in anyone. Right now, that was. He would be later. Just not with these people at this moment. It didn’t matter. There was always more time.

So Virgil forgot about it.

He left high school single and entered the top university in the state as an english major on a full scholarship.

That was where Virgil Hart met Logan Berry, a freshman biology major who just so happened to be in the same honors writing section as him.

Logan was… different, to say the least. Eighteen years old, an IQ higher than Virgil could count, and a vocabulary that made Virgil want to pick up poetry again. But besides being a genius, Logan was… _nice_ to be around.

Honestly, for an aspiring writer, Virgil should have been able to come up with better words for it than that, but really that was all that he had to describe what spending time with Logan was like. Nice.

Logan was always so well collected and calming. He was the perfect counterbalance to Virgil’s never ending anxieties. His conversations were engaging and he never stopped managing to entice Virgil out of his shell. Surprisingly enough, he was also hilarious, which was something that Virgil never would have expected the day that he walked into his honors writing course to see a boy his own age sitting at the head of the table and wearing a tie.

Virgil and Logan quickly became close friends. Meeting biweekly for study sessions easily transitioned to meeting for coffee or lunch to just catch up after class. Logan offered to help Virgil with his algebra, and Virgil helped Logan with the more creative writing assignments. By the end of the first semester, the two got along as though they had known one another their entire lives, and in the spring semester, they decided that they should be roommates their sophomore year.

Virgil found that he could easily call Logan his best friend. It was exciting, after not having many close friends in high school.

However… part of Virgil wanted to say that there was something… different about friendship with Logan. He couldn’t put his finger on it, but as he made more friends in college, Virgil distantly realized that not all friends made you feel so… complete. Not every friend would skip out on their favorite class to meet you in the library bathroom to help you through a late-semester anxiety attack. Not every friend would remember your order from Starbucks, and most sets of friends did not know each other’s schedules like they knew their own. Not every friend made coming back to a shared dorm feel like coming home. Virgil was _definitely_ sure that not every friend would hold your hand when you were spiraling before an exam.

“Virgil?” Logan’s soft voice inquired from his spot at the desk.

Virgil turned from his thoughts, spinning in his chair to face his friend. A soft, fuzzy glow burst in his chest at the slight smile that Logan was sending his way. He was aware of Logan asking if he would proofread his essay, but only halfway so.

\----

Virgil stared at the flames flickering before him with disinterest. 

It was finally Thanksgiving break. The semester had been long and arduous, and really, Virgil should be celebrating the fact that for the next seven days, he did not have to worry about his classes at all.

Except, for some reason, he just couldn’t relax.

It was as if something was… missing.

Which was insane, and _stupid_. Especially since he could tell that all that empty part of him longed for was for Logan to be there.

Patton nudged his shoulder and Virgil started out of his thoughts, turning his full attention back to his brother. Something akin to worry filled Patton’s eyes. He was holding a stick with half melted marshmallows on the end, but he paid no attention to them as he frowned at his little brother. “Virgil? Are you alright?”

Virgil straightened his back, shoving his hands into the pockets of his hoodie and offering a small half smile. “Yeah, Pat, I’m fine.”

Patton’s frown deepened, and Virgil cursed himself internally. Patton could read him all too well. “Don’t lie to me, Virge.” Over Patton’s shoulder, Virgil could see Patton’s friend Roman look up at them, obviously interested in the conversation. Virgil grimaced. Perfect.

“‘M not lying.”

Patton simply raised an eyebrow in response. Despite his usual happy-go-lucky demeanor, his brother was far smarter than most would give him credit for.

Virgil focused his gaze on the flames reflected in the lenses of Patton’s glasses instead of actually meeting his eyes. “I’m just… It’s fine, really.” He shrugged. He wasn’t really sure how to express it. Patton didn’t know very much about his brother’s roommate, other than the passing interaction or comment, and for the first time he could remember, Virgil found himself wary to share his feelings with his brother.

Patton glanced over his shoulder, then back to Virgil. “Do you want to talk somewhere else? We can go inside if you want.”

Virgil shrugged noncommittally again, and Patton took that as a cue to stand up. Virgil’s shoulders tensed as he curled back into his hoodie, but stood as well, knowing that there was no use trying to deny his brother a ‘Hart Heart to Heart’ now. Patton turned and bent over, whispering something quietly to Roman as he handed over his marshmallows before turning back and offering his hand to Virgil.

Virgil was pulled across the yard back to the house. The brothers were silent as Patton led them both into the house and through to the kitchen. Their mother had left a pot of hot chocolate simmering on the stovetop, and Patton gently sat Virgil at the bar before turning to pour them both mugs of the sweet drink. 

After the hot chocolate had been acquired--with miniature marshmallows in Patton’s, and whipped cream and sprinkles in Virgil’s--Patton pulled out the stool beside Virgil’s and settled down.

For just a moment, they were silent as they sipped the drinks.

“What’s up, shadowling?”

Patton’s voice was kind, and it caused a lump to form in Virgil’s throat. Suddenly, he wanted nothing more than to tell his brother everything.

“I miss him.” It was blurted out before Virgil could even think, his fingers gripping a bit too tightly around the warm mug before him. “Logan. I-I know that it’s dumb, but I miss him.”

Patton tilted his head slightly. “It isn’t dumb, Virgil. I missed my friends from school too. Heck, if Ro weren’t here right now, I think I’d be pretty sad about it.”

Virgil shook his head, probably too harshly for Patton’s words. “No- It’s not- I mean, I guess I am sad, or whatever, but it’s not like… like missing everyone else.” It wasn’t. Virgil had made a few other friends over the past year and a half at the university, but none of them were _Logan_. He didn’t know how to describe it.

Patton’s eyes widened in what seemed to be realization. “ _Oh_. You _like_ Logan.”

Virgil blinked. And blinked again. “What?”

A grin was slowly forming on Patton’s face. “You like Logan! Like-like him! Oh, Virgil, why didn’t you tell me that you had a crush? I would love to talk about crushes with you!”

Virgil’s face began to heat as the excitement grew in Patton’s expression. “Wh- No! No, I don’t…” The memory of that fuzzy feeling that had been rising in Virgil when he was around Logan lately flashed in his mind. “Do I?”

Patton nodded enthusiastically. “Definitely, V!” Patton wiggled excitedly in his seat. “I mean- Tell me how you feel about him!”

Virgil shrugged, helplessly. His cheeks were burning and his thoughts were muddled. Was Patton correct? Everything around Logan had been so confusing lately… “I don’t know. I… He’s- He’s my best friend, I guess.”

Patton moved his hand in a ‘go on’ motion as he took another sip of his hot chocolate.

“We…” Virgil looked down at his melting whipped cream. “We just fit. Talking to him is… easy. I mean…” He could practically see the words in Patton’s eyes. _‘Those aren’t feelings, Virgil.’_ “The other day… um, before I left, we were talking, and it just felt really… warm.”

“THAT’S A CRUSH!” Patton squealed, causing Virgil to rear back in his seat. “Oops, sorry.” Patton apologized, although his hands didn’t stop their happy flapping through the air. “I’m just excited for you, Virgil! You _have_ to tell him! Oh, I’m sure he loves you too, oh, this is _fantastic_ , I just have to tell Roman-”

Patton’s voice faded into the background as Virgil stared unseeing at the kitchen counter. He… had a crush on Logan, it seemed. And Patton thought that Logan liked him back.

If Virgil had such a big crush, this should have been good news.

So why did it feel like Virgil had just found out something terrible?

\----

Virgil took a shaky breath.

Standing outside of the dorm room door, all of Virgil’s anxieties squirmed uncomfortably in the pit of his stomach.

To be fair, it wasn’t all anxieties about seeing Logan again. There was also the looming threat of finals in the distance, and the usual anxiety of being back on campus. It was just all… heightened by the lurking knowledge of his new feelings.

Ever since that night at the bonfire, Patton had urged Virgil practically nonstop about his plans to confess to Logan.

Because of course, according to Patton, and later Roman, he had to confess. No matter how much it made Virgil want to crawl out of his own skin with nerves, his brother and his brother’s closest friend insisted that Virgil had to tell his roommate that he was in love with him before the end of the semester.

Another shaky breath left Virgil’s chest, his shoulders not losing their tension.

What was he doing? He should be happy with this revelation, right? Why was he standing outside of his own dorm, clutching the handle of his suitcase too tightly? If this is what everyone felt when they had a crush, why did anyone ever put themselves through this?

A traitorous thought in the back of his mind insisted that this was Patton’s fault. He had been fine just two weeks ago.

Virgil was just about to finally take out his key when the door before him opened and Logan was standing _right in front of him, oh god_ \--

“Virgil? Are you alright?” The words were far too reminiscent of Patton’s, especially paired with the slight tilt to Logan’s head.

“Yeah, I’m-” Virgil’s voice cracked, and he considered dropping his stuff and running away forever, “I’m alright.” He recovered, shrugging and looking away.

A small hum left the man before him, and Virgil realized with no small amount of shock that Logan was wearing a _Christmas sweater_ of all things. Logan never wore things like that. Or, well, apparently he did, and frankly, they made him look hilariously soft and adorable. Virgil’s fears faded into the background for a moment as that warm feeling wormed its way into his chest again, filling him with a fuzzy soft warmth that rivaled Logan’s new sweater. Before Virgil could even enjoy it, though, Patton’s words came rushing back.

_“That’s a crush!”_

The thought instantly soured Virgil’s mood, making his stomach churn distastefully with anxiety once again.

A soft hand touched Virgil’s, and his eyes snapped up, fear racing through his veins. However, instead of taking his hand or some other romantic bullshit like that, Logan was taking the suitcase from Virgil and holding the door open a bit more to allow him in.

Virgil faltered for a second while Logan rolled the suitcase into the room. He shook himself out of his thoughts and quickly followed. He really didn’t want Logan to catch onto his… whatever this panic was.

As his friend lugged his suitcase into the room, Virgil collected himself and tried to return to his normal demeanor. “Uh… How was break?”

“It was adequate.” Logan responded, depositing Virgil’s luggage beside his bed and turning back to his friend. “I managed to study quite a bit for my chemistry final. How was your break?”

Virgil shrugged. He stepped closer to drop his backpack on his bed, very aware of his proximity to Logan. “Alright, I guess. It was good to see Pat some more.”

Logan nodded. “That is good. Well, I am glad that you got rest, as finals week is approaching rapidly, and we will both need to focus all of our attention on academics.”

Virgil swallowed and didn’t comment.

How could all of his attention be focused on his classes when he needed to figure out how to tell Logan that he was apparently in love with him, an idea that filled him with dread?

\----

Turns out, it was impossible.

For the first few days back from Thanksgiving break, Virgil told himself that he would just blurt it out. Before final’s week got too close for Logan to focus on anything but school, and before they left for a month for their winter break.

However, the days passed, and every day it got harder and harder for Virgil to make himself say something. Patton texted nearly every six hours, inquiring on the status of his brother’s relationship, and with each _‘Not yet.’_ that he had to give, Virgil felt a little bit more on edge.

Finals were in just days, and Virgil couldn’t for one second focus on his notes or books. Every moment that passed with Logan around, Virgil wanted to scream. It was infuriating and torturous. Virgil and Logan had seemingly always gotten along, and had been at ease with one another for the entire year and a half that they were being friends, and now, because of one thing that his brother said, Virgil was caught between possibly ruining that friendship or turning into something that left a sick taste in Virgil’s mouth.

Probably because a romantic relationship with Logan would change so much. Virgil’s anxiety always had been against change.

When Logan brought back Virgil’s favorite hot drink after his morning walk, Virgil swallowed down the words he knew that Patton wanted him to say. When he passed Logan his genetics textbook, Virgil held himself back from saying something that he could regret. When they quizzed one another with flashcards, Virgil had to abruptly leave the room before he fell into a panic attack because the sound of Logan’s laugh made that fuzzy feeling soar, but the knowledge of what that feeling meant made him want to crawl under his bed, and the cocktail of emotional whiplash was enough to turn Virgil’s stomach.

And enough to push him to spend less and less time around his closest friend.

Everything about Logan just made him think about what Patton and Roman had told him. Logan’s voice. Logan’s smile. Logan’s _snore_. Even Logan’s shirts finding their way over to Virgil’s side of the room, and Virgil only noticing now, despite the fact that they had probably been residing in that spot for a month, because everything about his and Logan’s interactions was tinged with this poison knowledge.

If Logan even noticed Virgil spending less time around the room, he didn’t say anything. When Virgil began to come back after Logan’s scheduled bedtime, Virgil would wake up to find his hat and scarf laying out for him in a gesture of goodwill, but Logan would not press the issue.

It made it all worse.

Because of course Logan would be perfectly nice about it all. He would probably even be nice when Virgil had to tell him about this terrible _crush_ that he just had to have. He would probably _agree_ to go on a date with Virgil and that would just-- just _ruin_ everything.

It all came to a head on the Saturday afternoon before finals week.

A review session for Virgil’s history class had gone terribly. Like, crash and burn bad. It hit Virgil all at once how little attention he had been giving his courses. He felt like an idiot. His breath was stuck in his chest and his hands were shaking by the time that he left the building where the review had been held.

Without even thinking about Logan or where he would be, Virgil found himself heading in the direction of the dorm. He didn’t even consider the fact that he basically hadn’t seen his roommate for three days. There was only one thought on his mind as his vision blurred with unshed tears.

_Home_. He had to get home.

The walk back to the building passed without Virgil’s notice. Thoughts were spinning in his head. _Failure, screw-up, disappointment, loser, no good, complete wreck, god, Virgil, couldn’t you just do something right for once?_

Virgil’s hands were shaking as he fumbled with his key card. He didn’t know how he managed to make it up the stairs. He didn’t know how he hadn’t broken down in the middle of the review, in front of everyone. He didn’t know anything, he was just an _idiot_ -

Virgil sucked a desperate gasp in through his teeth as he finally found the key and pushed the door open, practically crashing into the room in his hurry to finally be out, _out of the public eye, away from everyone’s stares, because they know, they know that you’re just a screw up, and that you can’t even get one thing right, you useless_ -

“Breathe, Virgil.”

Virgil gasped again. Warm, wet tears were coating his cheeks, and he scrubbed furiously at them with the heel of his hand. He couldn’t see anything, but he knew that he must have collapsed against the door. His back pressed against the cool wood wasn’t nearly as grounding as he needed, and the person with him must have known that, because suddenly one of his hands was being taken by two very firm, warm, real hands.

“Four, seven, eight, Virgil, I need you to breathe with me.”

Virgil tried in vain for a few moments to match the steady counting. The fingers against the inside of his wrist tapped along with the rhythm carefully. After a few cycles, Virgil managed to catch up, slowing his helpless gasps to something more manageable. Fresh oxygen flooded his system, clearing his thoughts slowly, leaving him shaking terribly still, eyes bleary and eyeshadow likely ruined, on the floor of his dorm room in front of his-

“I have a crush on you.”

Virgil expected sirens. Deafening silence. The world to implode. Him to finally fall sick from this awful feeling that he had been burdening himself with for the past few weeks.

The tapping on his wrist didn’t stop.

Virgil breathed.

“You do?” Logan’s voice was soft. Softer than Virgil thought he had ever heard it. And gentle. It made Virgil want to scream. The feelings warring in his mind made him want to weep.

Virgil breathed in time with the rhythm.

He nodded. “Patton said-”

“Patton said?”

Virgil swallowed. “I- Yeah, he- he said that it was definitely- I mean-”

“Virgil.” Virgil could feel Logan’s gaze burning on the top of his head. He refused to look up past his bangs. “Virgil,” Logan repeated, calmly, “if you have a crush on me, why do you look as though it is the worst news that you have ever had the displeasure of delivering?”

Virgil froze. “I don’t… really… know.” He had thought that it was because he was afraid that Logan would react poorly. However, now, the words having already left his lips, Virgil found that his biggest fear was that _anything_ would change between him and Logan. Whether it meant becoming a couple or ending their friendship.

Logan hummed softly. “Would you mind telling me what you really feel? Without Patton’s input, if you please?”

Virgil faltered. Logan was insinuating that Patton was wrong about his crush. But that didn’t make sense. “I- I mean, I like you. A lot. You’re my best friend, but you’re also more than that and I-” His face was flaming red by this point, partially from his recent lack of oxygen. “I don’t know, L. I just… like being with you. It’s stu-”

The pad of a soft finger came up to cover his lips. “Please do not degrade yourself. Feelings are not necessarily my forte, but one should never put oneself down for experiencing them. As for your description…” Logan shifted so that he was sitting more comfortably on the floor in front of Virgil. Virgil finally looked up, meeting his best friend’s eyes. “Have you ever heard of aromanticism?”

Virgil’s brows furrowed. He had. In passing. It wasn’t anything that he had ever considered for himself, especially when he had been considered such a young hopeless romantic by his family for so long.

As Logan explained aromanticism, and at Virgil’s request, asexuality and the ace/aro spectrum, Virgil felt something click within him. Logan continued on to explain how he himself was gray-ace and gray-aro, and Virgil felt for once as though everything in the world made sense.

As the residue of his anxiety attack faded, Virgil found himself listening to Logan explain what queer platonic relationships were.

Virgil leaned forwards, gripping Logan’s hand tighter in his own. “That. That is- L- Would you-”

Logan cleared his throat. He straightened his glasses and squeezed Virgil’s hand in return. “If you are inquiring as to whether I would be interested in entering a queer platonic relationship with you, I would enjoy that very much.”

Virgil smiled, finally feeling the burden from the past few weeks leave his shoulders. Across from him, Logan smiled back, a wonderful, beautiful thing that soothed Virgil’s anxieties like a balm, telling him that everything about this was going to work out.


End file.
